


Letters to Bucky

by Azazel



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Coping, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, background OCs - Freeform, brief mention of kidnapping and child soldiers, mention of other MCU characters, reference to dementia, reference to panic attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 05:47:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 8,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3756739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azazel/pseuds/Azazel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finding the stack of letters in Steve’s sock drawer had been an accident. Reading them had not. But when it came to Steve and the time they had been apart Bucky wanted all the information he could get, however he could get it. Steve finding him sitting cross-legged on the floor of their bedroom in tears had not been part of the plan, though. How else was he supposed to react to reading Steve’s introduction to the 21st century through letters to <i>him</i>?</p>
<p>*This was another 30 day challenge I did. It was inspired by the word "letters". Each chapter is presented as a letter Steve wrote. They span the time between right after he woke up to the events of CATWS. I tried to remain as canon compliant as possible but I did mess with the timeline just a tiny bit. Also I tried to be thorough with the tags but I may have missed some things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 1 Letters

Bucky,

I know you’d think this is ridiculous, and I have to admit in this case I might agree, but the very nice lady they have assigned my case suggested I start keeping a diary. Well I’m not much for journaling so I thought this might be better. So here goes.

I woke up a few weeks ago but it would seem I went to sleep nearly seventy years ago. You should see what they’ve done to Manhattan. Nothing but lights and adverts now. And if you thought it was crowded before that’s nothing compared to this. Howard’s son is building a skyscraper but it doesn’t come close to the Empire State Building. 

Everything we knew’s gone or different now, Buck. Even us. You’re gone and I’m different. 

I miss you,

Steve


	2. Day 2 Silence

Bucky,

Nick Fury is trying to recruit me into SHIELD. What’s SHIELD? The Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division. Quite a mouthful, right? It seems SHIELD is what the SSR became after ~~we died~~ ~~we fell~~ the War. Peggy is still alive, Buck. I haven’t been to see her yet. It said in her file that she became the Director of SHIELD. A right big-wig. I can’t think of anyone more capable or deserving. It also said her memory is going. So even if I see her she might not know me. She might not remember. ~~Sometimes I wish I could forget.~~

Brooklyn’s never been so quiet as this apartment. I told Fury I didn’t need it. I’d find my own place but he wasn’t hearing any of that. So here I am. In this flat that’s supposed to be like our old place. It’s not. There are so many new gadgets, Bucky, and every single one of them is noisy. But not in this place. It’s like every time I walk in the door all the air leaves behind me. There’s no room for noise. I can’t hear the neighbors. Or the traffic. There’re no kids in the street playin’ ball. I had what the nice therapist called a “panic attack” the other day. I couldn’t remember the sound of your laugh. And then I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was havin’ a heart attack. ~~I can’t lose more of you.~~ Now I have breathing exercises I can do if it happens again.

I can’t rightly say just yet if I’m gonna hitch my wagon to SHIELD. I want to think that if Peggy was in charge it’s gotta be the right choice. ~~But how am I supposed to sign up alone.~~ But I haven’t made up my mind. The world seems to have gotten along alright without Captain America so I don’t know if they really need him now. Fury said I can take my time deciding. I don’t know what to do, Buck. I wish you were here.

All my love,

Steve


	3. Day 3 Dreams

Bucky,

I dream of you all the time. That’s nothing new. For as long as I can remember I’ve dreamt about you.

But last night was different. Last night for the first time I dreamt I was fast enough. I caught you. You didn’t fall. ~~You didn’t die~~ You lived.

I’m not sure which to consider nightmares anymore. The dreams where you live or the dreams where you don’t.

Love,

Steve


	4. Day 4 Truth

Buck,

Aliens. Bucky there are aliens. We are not alone in the universe and that’s the truth of it.

I fought some of them. I fought alongside some of them. ~~I just~~ I don’t know how to feel about any of it. Hell, you’d probably be laughing yourself silly if you could see it. All those science fiction stories you used to read, who knows how many of them are true? Huge flying cockroaches with teeth as big as a man. And the weapons, Buck. HYDRA could’a learned a thing or two from these aliens.

And the team. My team? I don’t know. We worked well together, eventually, but they’re no Commandos. They do seem to like to blow things up, though. Jacque would’a loved ‘em. ~~I think you would, too.~~ Howard’s son, Tony, is on the team. He might be an ass but he’s pretty damn smart. Probably smarter than Howard but don’t tell him I said that. And the alien I fought beside is Thor. He is  enormous. If you think I got big after the serum you oughta see Thor. He makes me look small. But that’s nothing really when compared to Doc Banner. He tried to recreate the serum but it went wrong and he became something else entirely. He even turns green. Then there’s Clint and Natasha. I didn’t get to know Clint very well but he seems like a good guy. I wish Natasha could meet Peggy. They’re a lot alike I think. Of course, she works for SHIELD so for all I know they have met.

Nick Fury, I mentioned him before, has some characters on his payroll that’s for sure.

We lost a man, though. Agent Phil Coulson. He did something ~~stupid~~ brave and he died for it. Just like you. How could you do that, Bucky? ~~Why did you have to~~ Sorry.

~~I think I might~~ The team is good. Don’t get me wrong, there are some kinks to work out but, by and large I think it’s a good fit. It felt good to be doing something again. It didn’t seem real when they told me the War is over. Just a few weeks ago we were in the Alps. And now it’s a new century. And there are aliens. Aliens, Buck. I don’t know what else to say.

Yours,

Steve


	5. Day 5 Vanilla

Bucky,

Today ~~was awful~~ wasn’t good. I thought things would get better after the invasion. They haven’t. I shouldn’t be surprised I guess. I mean, they all had lives before the Chitauri came through a hole in the sky so why wouldn’t they go back to those lives? ~~Just because I’m alone~~ They don’t owe me a damn thing. I just, you know, hoped, I guess.

But that’s not the point. When I got out of bed this morning I thought things were fine. Then I tried to make pancakes. I should have known better. Really.

In the end it didn’t matter because I couldn’t make them. I didn’t have vanilla. So I went out to get some and instead I wandered the streets for the rest of the day. The city is still trying to clean up and get settled again but it’s almost like nothing happened. People go about their business and ignore all the signs of battle around them. It reminded me of England and France during the War. People need normal so they make it happen. Even when there are chunks of alien guts still streaked across the windows of shops.

I don’t think I can stay here, Buck. I don’t fit anymore. At first I thought it was because the city is too different. But it isn’t really. It’s still just people and concrete and noise. It’s still home. It’s still us. But it can’t be if you’re not here. It isn’t if I’m not making pancakes for you.

I’m going to call Fury tomorrow and accept the position with SHIELD.

Yours truly,

Steve


	6. Day 6 Key

Bucky,

I did it. I talked to Fury and he got everything arranged for me to join SHIELD. He must have been expecting it because it took no time at all. I went by HQ today to pick up the key to my new place. I think he was a bit surprised that I didn’t bring anything with me from Brooklyn. But why would I? None of it was really mine in the first place.

I donated everything.

Just me, my bike and my shield came down to DC. Fury told me they’ll want to put me through my paces, find out where my training is weakest, then work on those areas before I’m deployed in the field. He said they want to get me trained in new hand-to-hand combat styles and maybe even set me up as a trainer for new recruits. I don’t know if I’m ready to do that but we’ll see.

The new place is nice. It isn’t New York but that’s good. I think that’s what I need. My neighbor is a nurse. She seems nice. Fury set me up with a new therapist here, Dr. Hamm. He says he served in Desert Storm. We both missed that one, thank goodness, but I’ve read about it. We missed a lot, Buck. But I’m doing my best to get caught up. I’m not sure how we would have handled the Cold War. I’m pretty sure I’m glad we missed that, too.

Anyhow, I get to go IKEA tomorrow and pick out some new furniture and things. For tonight it’s pizza on the floor and an early bedtime. I’ll have to make a quick run to the market for a toothbrush, though. I didn’t bring one with me and I can already hear you naggin’ me to brush before bed. ~~I hope I never forget your voice ‘cause I don’t know what I’d do~~

Love you always,

Steve


	7. Day 7 Memory

Bucky,

I took Dr. Hamm’s advice and went to see Peggy today. She’s in an old folk’s home now but it seems like she’s doing well. The nurses take good care of her and her family comes to visit often from what I hear. I’m glad she got on with her life. I haven’t met a lot of her family but those I have are good people. I can’t say I’m surprised really, considering.

Buck she has memory problems. When I first got there she immediately knew me but the longer I stayed the more I could see how hard it is for her. She’s still Peggy but something is different now. But I guess nearly seventy years will do that to a person.

Right before I left she asked for you. I didn’t know what to say. So I just told her you were fine and would come with me next time I visited. She smiled so bright, Buck. She’s missed you all this time, too. Even knowing what she knows about us. Or maybe she forgot about that. I know I can’t.

I start my training tomorrow. I’m looking forward to getting back to it. It might take my mind off of everything else. The sooner I can get out in the field the better. If I have to stay in my apartment and stare at the walls again I might go completely crazy. Cross your fingers that it won’t take long to get through all of SHIELD’s tests and I can get back to doing what I was made for.

Sincerely,

Steve


	8. Day 8 Jealousy

Bucky,

God help me, Buck I’ve never felt so wrong in my life. I’m not sure how it happened or when but I know it’s not right by a mile. I haven’t told Doc Hamm about it and I’m not sure I can. What can he say to make it okay?

How can it possibly be acceptable to be jealous of you? Jealous of the fact that you didn’t have to wake up alone and afraid? ~~Jealous that it wasn’t your fault and you never~~

It’s selfish is what it is. But when it comes to you that’s all I’ve ever been, really. Otherwise I never would have asked you to come with me in the first place. You could have gone home a hero. Met a nice girl. Settled down and had a family. A real family. One I could never give you no matter how much I might want to.

You deserved better. Better than what you got. Better than me.

I never looked you know. I let them tell me there wasn’t time and no one could survive that fall anyway. Truth is, I was afraid of what I’d find. As long as I didn’t see your body I could at least pretend you weren’t gone. I could pretend you were just waiting at the next base. I’d get to you eventually. Now even if I went looking I’m sure there’d be nothing left to find. Just one more time I failed you. Maybe this is my punishment. Because what is all this strength and speed and stamina and everything else the serum did worth if I can’t save one person?

I’m sorry and I miss you always,

Steve


	9. Day 9 Kiss

Bucky,

I went out last night. I’m not sure why. I guess I was curious? This new time is just so different. I can walk down the street and see two men holding hands like it’s nothin’. I just had to know what it’s like to go to a place that doesn’t have to be hidden and talked about in whispers. A place where no one would think anything of dancing with another man. So I went.

Buck, it was almost more confusing than anything I’ve seen yet. And like I said before there are aliens. So that should tell you about how I felt. But Buck it’s not just confusing, it’s incredible. It felt so natural. Like nothing was wrong at all. I even danced a couple of times.

~~And I ki~~

~~And a guy kissed me. He just did it. Right there in the bar. Where anyone could see.~~

~~His eyes were green. But his mouth was too soft. And he tasted wrong. Like apples.~~

I wish you could see this. I know you’d have fun. Even though the dances are different I think you’d still like ‘em. They’re so much closer now. I mean pressed together close, Buck. And the beats are so heavy. You feel ‘em in your chest like they’ll change your heartbeat if you stand still long enough. Of course most places now are non-smokin’ but you should quit anyway. I read cigarettes cause cancer. And lots of people complain about how they make their partner taste awful. I never had any problem with the way you taste, though. As far as I’m concerned yours is the best flavor I ever tasted. And yours is the only mouth I wanna kiss.

~~I can’t even remember his name.~~

I’ll love you ‘til my last breath,

Steve


	10. Day 10 Tulips

Bucky,

They kept us alive you know. After we both went missing the government decided not to tell anyone and just created replacements for us. There’s a monument to them. To us, too, I guess. Of course they got the broad strokes but the details are mostly wrong. But I suppose that’s to be expected when no one was there to force the truth. I’m sure if they’d’ve asked Peggy she could have helped them get it right but I don’t think the reality is what they were after. ~~I’m pretty sure that’s still true.~~

The legend couldn’t be left to die.

I met the President a few days ago. He welcomed me back. Said the nation and the world were lucky to have me. He didn’t mention you. We placed a wreath on the memorial of the other teams that came after us. It’s in Arlington. Your headstone is there, too. Tucked in with the other Commandos. Well, most of them. There’s a bunch of tulips growing there.

There’s almost no room left in Arlington so not many people get to actually be buried there anymore. But that doesn’t really matter to you anyway since you’re not there. That coffin, if there is one, is empty. So is mine, though. So how come I’m back and you’re not?

I start training in Judo tomorrow. I think I meet my new team sometime this week, too. They’re keeping it kind of hush hush about who I’ll be working with but I think I may have met some of them already in my training. I’ve been told I will have command of a STRIKE team. We’ll see how that goes. But it’ll be good to get out there again and have something to do.

Love,

Steve


	11. Day 11 Celebration

Bucky,

I got to meet my new team today. Man they are a group of characters! It was a surprise but Natasha is going to be a member off and on, too. They say she won’t go on every mission but I’m glad to have her. It’s kind of nice to see a more familiar face.

But these fellas, Buck. They’re nothing like the Commandos, really, but I have to admit it felt good to have ‘em say they’ve got my back. Each and every one of them is a combat vet. And not a single one of them got moony-eyed when we met. It felt like I could breathe again. Like I’m back where I might belong. Like my life might start making some sense again.

My second in command, Rumlow, insisted we go out for a drink to commemorate the occasion. God, Bucky, it was so much like that bar in London. You remember? The night the Commandos came together? For a few minutes it was like I was back there laughing with them. I looked for you at the bar. ~~I don’t think I’ve ever regretted not being able to get drunk more.~~

They’re a tight-knit bunch but I think I’ll be able to fit in soon enough. We have our first mission day after tomorrow so I guess that’ll be the real test.

Wish me luck,

Steve


	12. Day 12 Nightmare

Bucky,

Well my first official SHIELD mission is under my belt. I think it went okay. The team all came back in one piece, only a few bumps and bruises. A success by all measures. But who would’ve thought there’d be so much paperwork involved? Reports and equipment checks and evaluations and the list goes on. And every bit of it is on a computer. I admit it’s kinda nice to come back to a warm, dry apartment instead of being stuck out in some flimsy tent or squatting in a barn on the front lines but it’s strange, too.

The team seems to be coming together. Though I think most of them had already worked together before I came along. Natasha didn’t come with us this time so I was sort of on my own but Rumlow is stepping up to help with the transition. I’m still not really sure how that’s gonna work since it was his team first. He doesn’t seem to be holding a grudge though so maybe it’ll be fine.

Even though the mission went well, on the plane ride back I had a nightmare. It was a bad one, Buck. I found you on that table in Zola’s lab but ~~I was still small~~ ~~skinny~~ ~~weak~~ it was before the serum. I couldn’t help you. I couldn’t get you out. I kept trying but you couldn’t walk and I couldn’t carry you. We just kept slipping and falling until the guards came and took you from me. That hallway went on forever. You screamed the whole time. I woke myself up screaming for you.

I guess the nice thing about being on a flight with a bunch of guys who’ve all lost people is they all have those nightmares, too. Dr. Hamm wants me to talk about my dreams, especially the bad ones, but just then I don’t think I needed to. They all get it. Rumlow just clapped me on the shoulder and told me to go by his after debriefing for a beer with the rest of the team. It took me a long time to decide. I told him next time. He just laughed and said he’d hold me to it. They’re good men. But they’re not our men. I can’t share stories with them yet. They don’t know us except what’s in the history books. And a lot of our history was left out.

Eternally yours,

Steve


	13. Day 13 Constrict

Bucky,

You never had asthma so I doubt you’d know how it feels when your chest just closes up on you and you can’t breathe. But that’s pretty much how having an anxiety attack feels, too. Only it can’t be helped by inhalers or eucalyptus. Breathing exercises help. But when one hits you out of the blue it’s kinda hard to remember the whole breath 2, 3, 4 bit.

Dr. Hamm wants me to go to something called a support group for soldiers with PTSD. That’s sort of like shell shock from what I gather. But how the hell am I supposed to go up in front of a bunch of strangers and share my problems when I barely talk to him? And not only that, it can’t be good for Captain America’s image. I’m supposed to be some sort of symbol of strength. I don’t have the luxury of being open about my history or my hangups.

You once told me without you there probably wouldn’t be a soul on Earth that understood me. You were right. Even Dr. Hamm doesn’t really get it, though he tries. Even my team. They’re so young, Buck. Even the ones that are older than me. Rumlow keeps inviting me to have a beer and I keep saying “next time”.

What if I have some kind of episode? What if they can’t see me beyond Captain America? What if they see me for what I really am? A little sissy boy from Brooklyn that’s in love with his best friend. God, Bucky what’s wrong with me? How did this happen? I just wanted to do my part, help people. Why didn’t they just leave me where they found me?

I can’t stop missing you,

Steve


	14. Day 14 Snapshot

Bucky,

I started a list to catch up on what happened while I was under. I’ve gotten some pretty wild suggestions for what’s most important. Some stuff is historical, some stuff is pop culture. I thought I was gonna make the kid from the coffee shop I stop in sometimes cry when I asked what the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek is. He seemed to think the most important thing to have happened in the last seventy years was something called “the Force”. I’m not sure what that means yet but I’ll get there.

Tony set me up with a Netflix account, Amazon Prime subscription and a Twitter. Which is kind of like a, well, I don’t know what I can compare Twitter to, really. It’s a messaging system that is worldwide. Anyone with internet access can read what you put out there. It’s pretty incredible but I hardly ever have anything to say so I haven’t posted much. But, Bucky, I have close to 80 million followers. The  President doesn’t even have that many. I just can’t really understand why so many people are interested in my daily life.

Paparazzi follow me around when I go out for a jog. Or coffee. Or groceries. Or just about anywhere. According to the papers I’ve been dating at least ten different actresses, three beauty queens, a bartender and a nurse. Natasha has been trying to set me up with different women from SHIELD and I don’t have the heart to tell her she’s fishin’ in the wrong pond. Or that I can’t possibly want anyone that isn’t you.

It’s almost like it was before I went to front lines. I’m back in the spotlight. There are pictures in magazines and the papers all the time. A few days ago one of the gossip rags dug up a photo from the War. It was taken in France right after a mission. It’s just you and me talkin’ but you’ve got this smile on your face and there must be something in the way I’m lookin’ at you because they’re the only ones who’ve come close figuring it out. They captioned the picture, “Captain America Gay?” I had to laugh about that. Little do they know.

Affectionately yours,

Steve


	15. Day 15 Holiday

Bucky,

This is the first Thanksgiving I’ve spent without you since we were kids. Honestly I thought I’d end up spending it alone at my apartment. But it turns out a bunch of the STRIKE team members are in kind of the same boat as me, they don’t have anywhere to go either. Rumlow invited me to what they call the “Bastard Thanksgiving”. It’s kind of like a potluck I guess. Everyone pitches in and brings something.

Doc Hamm suggested I take the offer if for no other reason than to get to know my team better. I figured he might be right. Plus I really wasn’t sure how I was gonna handle being alone. So I went. I took mashed potatoes. They were my Mom’s recipe, or at least as close as I could get to it.

I figured they’d be a rowdy bunch when they let loose. I was right. Most people didn’t bring food at all, they just brought bottles and boxes of liquor. One of the other Commanders brought moonshine from his home town in North Carolina. That’s some potent stuff. Almost as lethal as the rotgut Dum Dum used to cook up in camp.

They tried to get me drunk but after two bottles of top shelf whiskey they gave up and relegated me to cheap beer. We hung out, watched the parade on demand, ate a ton of food and generally had a good time I guess. My whole team wasn’t there, but most were. Natasha was overseas on a mission of some kind I think. She doesn’t say much about her missions. I almost had to break up a fight but ten minutes later the guys that argued were back to taking shots together. Typical soldier stuff.

What wasn’t so typical was seeing a few of the guys necking. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, though. There’s a lot of pressure in their jobs and they’ve gotta let off steam somehow. Rumlow caught me watchin’ and said they’d be happy to let me join in. I’m not sure what my face did but he didn’t offer again. I’m sure some of them ended up having to take it to a bedroom. I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like for us if you were here. Would we be one of those couples? Would we still keep it behind closed doors? I know I’d want to show you off. You’ve always been the best lookin’ guy I know. We would make ‘em jealous I think. I’d have all those guys wantin’ a piece of you but I don’t share.

You’re still the only one for me,

Steve


	16. Day 16 Bang

Bucky,

I knew it might happen eventually but I thought it would take longer.

I lost a man on my last mission. And to make matters worse it was friendly fire. He was so young, Bucky. Twenty-five if he was a day.

The medic said he was probably dead before he hit the ground. There was nothing anyone could have done.

His parents are coming to claim his body in the morning. I don’t know what I’m going to say to them. How do you tell someone they will never get to know the man their son would have been? ~~I can’t imagine what they told your family.~~

Now I understand how Colonel Phillips must have felt writing all those letters home. All those names. All those parents and wives and kids. ~~Your name was on that list.~~

I still need you,

Steve


	17. Day 17 Fragile

Bucky,

It’s my team’s first mission since Benson’s death. We’re all jammed into a Quinjet over the Atlantic right now. I think they’re still a bit shaken. ~~I know I am.~~ It’s gonna take a while for them to get back in the swing of things. If I could have turned down the assignment I would have. But it doesn’t work that way. Not then, not now. It’s back on the horse and back in the field.

Even when they didn’t know me they were never this quiet. Rumlow hasn’t cracked a single joke. Rollins hasn’t told him to shut up. Alvez isn’t singing off key to some pop anthem I’ve never heard. It’s like the whole team is in some kind of glass bubble. One false move and it’ll shatter.

The Commandos were like this after I let you fall. I don’t think they knew what to say so they kept quiet. I know they held a little memorial of their own. I couldn’t go. I still wouldn’t. I don’t deserve to share that. It’s my fault you’re gone. And if I could change it I would. I would go back in the ice if it meant you were still here.

I should have saved you,

Steve


	18. Day 18 Complications

Bucky,

Well, despite all sorts of shit hitting the fan my team managed to make it home intact from our first mission back. I don’t think that will be the case when Fury gets the reports, though. There will probably be a pretty big personnel change. I suspect Alvez, the one who sings off-key, is going to be transferred to another team. Possibly another country.

The others blame him for Benson’s death. I try not to but it’s hard when it was his bullet that killed him. There is a kind of hush that surrounds him now. The rest of the team won’t look him in the eye anymore but they glance at him and whisper to each other. When they talk to him they talk to his helmet or his chest. And that’s if they talk to him at all. It’s like they’re all waiting for something.

As soon as we got back he was called up to Fury’s office. Disciplinary action maybe? There wasn’t any footage of what happened but ballistics showed it was his gun that fired the bullet. Even though the investigation proved it was an accident I don’t think anyone on the team can trust him at their backs now. I can’t say I blame them. I don’t know how I would do, having someone who killed their fellow soldier guarding my six. I’m not sure how the Commandos did it. Though to be fair they didn’t have to deal with me for that long after I got you killed. And I usually took point anyway.

I haven’t talked to him yet but I want to try. I’m still coming to terms with my guilt so who knows? Maybe I can help him with his. If nothing else I can at least be an open ear.

I’m sorry I let you down,

Steve


	19. Day 19 Trust

Bucky,

My team is two men down now with Alvez gone but it seems like they are coming together again. Closing ranks to fill the gap. Fury says we will have replacements soon. He mentioned something about there being a waiting list to transfer to STRIKE team Alpha. I guess I can understand how being on one of the most prominent teams can have its own appeal. Until then Natasha is filling in with us.

Surprisingly she fits right in like she’s been with us all along. But I think that might be part of her job description. She’s started asking about me dating. She’s even trying to set me up on dates with women from around SHIELD.

I don’t think she and Rumlow get along all that well outside of missions but on the job they do great. It might have something to do with the fact that she flat out refuses to socialize beyond work. It must be hard though, given her past. She was taught to avoid creating ties outside of necessity so hanging out on the weekend isn’t really in the cards.

It’s Christmas tomorrow, Buck. I thought about going up to Manhattan to see the tree in Rockefeller Center. I might still go if there is no need to stop some super-villain from blowing up the planet.

I shouldn’t be surprised I guess but I’m a bit bowled over by how different Christmas is now. There are so many lights. And it’s so focused on money and presents. I’m not sure if I am supposed to give gifts or who to, either. I guess there isn’t a “bastard Christmas” to be celebrated with friends. But that’s ok. I think I would rather spend the day on my own, whether or not I go to New York.

You’re always on my mind,

Steve


	20. Day 20 Innocence

Bucky,

I guess with the outrageous salary I get from SHIELD I could have afforded better but I wanted to be closer to home. So here I am at cheap hotel in Brooklyn on Christmas. It’s even snowing. I didn’t realize how much I missed this when we were overseas. Even though it’s not the same it kind of feels right.

It’s strange, though. I haven’t slept in a couple of days and maybe that’s why I can’t stop thinking of our Christmases spent here. Or maybe it’s the opposite? Either way I’ve been remembering those times. Like when I was eleven and you took me to your house for Christmas dinner. That was the year before the Crash so we had enough to go around. We tried to stay up all night but neither of us made it. I think you fell asleep first no matter what you said later. But what I really remember about that night is waking up next to you. I’m pretty sure that’s when I knew I was going to love you till I die. Even though I was too young to really understand what that meant, for either of us.

I plan to visit a few children’s hospitals today but seeing as how it’s 2:00AM I’ve got time. They still make Bucky Bears you know. Good Lord you hated those things with such a passion. I bought a bunch of them to give to the kids. I will neither confirm nor deny that I kept one at home.

Merry Christmas,

Steve


	21. Day 21 Alone

Bucky,

I got what might be the most surreal phone call today. The Smithsonian called me. They want to do an exhibit in honor of the Commandos and my “miraculous return”. The lady was so polite and so earnest I didn’t know how to turn her down.

So I will be contributing what I can. Including my old uniform. She told me the other Commandos’ family’s already offered their uniforms. Well, except yours, anyway. Yours will have to be a reproduction.

She said they’ll take pretty much anything I’m willing to give. They already have quite a bit to work with from private collectors but “there’s nothing like having an authentic eyewitness account”. Or so she says. I’m not sure what I can tell them that they didn’t learn in elementary school.

Happy New Year,

Steve


	22. Day 22 Fade

Bucky,

Miss Heath has started to sift through the things I gave her for the exhibit. It still throws me when I see just how much people were interested in us. There are history books, Halloween costumes, all sorts of collectables and the other day I even heard there is a college degree dedicated to studying the Commandos’ campaigns in Europe.

Countless scientists have tried to recreate the serum Dr. Erskine gave me and not a single one has succeeded. Again, it was my failure that he wasn’t around to do more. Maybe if he had lived he could have given you the serum and you wouldn’t have fallen because I wasn’t fast enough.

There is going to be a space dedicated to him in the exhibit. I told Miss Heath Captain America would never have existed without him. They’re also going to show some of the propaganda films. It’s so strange to see those. They look so out of place in this new world of high definition and liquid crystal displays. Sometimes I feel like I’m fading along with those old films and pictures. Like I’m paler now, in comparison to those days in the War. What’s that phrase? A shade of my former self? Something like that. That’s what I wake up to every day now. A little more grey around the edges.

I miss the blue of your eyes. If that was the last color I saw in this world I would be glad for it.

The ocean and the sky have nothing on you,

Steve


	23. Day 23 Proposal

Bucky,

You know how we thought the most amazing thing to happen in the future was going to be a flying car? We were wrong.

I was asked by a reporter today how I feel about same sex marriage. Just to be on the safe side I said “no comment”. But what would they do if I blurted out the truth? A lot of the country is still divided but most have already come to terms with it.

I wanted to tell her I support it with all my heart and if given the chance I would have married you in less than a heartbeat. No matter which answer I give people are still angry. If I say I support it conservatives are angry. If I say I don’t support it I alienate the entire gay community. But since I said nothing people are angry I don’t have an opinion.

There has been plenty of speculation over the years about our relationship but without concrete evidence nothing could be proven. Even the Commandos didn’t let the cat out of the bag in all the time since I fell.

Of course, that was a different time. And one of these days I’m going to give them a real answer and damn the cost. One of these days I will tell the whole world, in no uncertain terms, just how much I love you and how we would be one of the couples on the steps of City Hall waiting for a marriage license.

Would you marry me,

Steve


	24. Day 24 Confessions

Bucky,

My team finally got a couple of new people to fill in, Richards and Sampson. They seem like they are going to fit in well. Richards is a transfer from STRIKE team Theta and Sampson comes from one of the foreign offices. I think he was part of a bomb squad. Either way they are both competent soldiers. The real test is their first mission with us which will be day after tomorrow. More of a training exercise, really. Thankfully this one will be domestic. I hope they do well. I would like for my team to get back to where we were.

I saw Doc Hamm yesterday. We talked about you. We hadn’t before, not really. He knew some of our history, of course, but not everything. He still doesn’t. There are some things I can’t tell anyone, not even him. Partially because I think he reports to Fury and partially because it’s just not his business. It’s no one’s business but ours.

I did tell him that I’ve loved you as long as I can remember. He didn’t even bat an eyelash. Just nodded and asked about what that was like back in our day. I told him it’s really not all that different even though there have been advances. We couldn’t have gotten married back then but there are still people being beaten and threatened and fired and all sorts of other terrible things for being who they are.

Natasha is still trying to get me to date. I think she might suspect something but she’s trying to get me to crack and just say it. I don’t know when, or if, I’ll be ready to tell her I’m not interested because none of them are you.

It’s always been you,

Steve


	25. Day 25 Fall

Bucky,

Did I tell you the World Security Council tried to nuke Manhattan when the Chitauri attacked last year? Now that I think about it that whole sentence probably doesn’t make sense to you. Well, first off the WSC is in charge of SHIELD. A nuke is a bomb, but like no bomb we’ve ever seen. From what I’ve read only two of ‘em have ever been used in battle and both by the USA. We just missed that. I have to admit I’m kind of glad we weren’t around for that.

Anyhow, when aliens started flying through a hole in the sky the other Avengers and I were doing our best to stop them but we were being overrun. It got so bad the WSC decided the only way to make sure the invasion didn’t go global was to drop a nuclear bomb on Manhattan. It would have wiped out anything and everything in the blast radius. I’ve seen footage from some of the tests the government did back in the forties. It’s pretty terrifying to see trees and buildings and everything disappear in an instant.

Fury tried to stop them but the higher-ups gave the order anyway. The bomb was launched and we had less than a minute to figure out how to stop it from killing thousands. There was nothing I could do. But Tony stepped up and flew the bomb back the way the Chitauri had come. It took everything he had and none of us thought we would ever see him again. He went through that hole knowing he probably wouldn’t come back. He was going to die on the other side of space but he didn’t hesitate.

I felt like such an ass, Bucky. When I met Tony I pretty much called him a self-centered jerk yet here he was sacrificing himself to save a bunch of strangers. And he did. He managed to get that bomb through the portal and use it against the Chitauri. He saved all of us.

And then I got to watch him fall out of the sky. He died out there, alone on the wrong side of a hole in space, and then he fell. Hulk caught him before he hit the ground but he was gone, Buck. I thought I had lost another partner. To this day I’m not sure how it happened but something jumpstarted the battery in his chest and he came back. Even though the first words out of his mouth were a joke something in his eyes was different. I don’t think he will ever be the same.

But he came back. He was dead and he came back. I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t give to have you come back. Even if you were different.

Please come back,

Steve


	26. Day 26 Haunted

Bucky,

I’ve been going to see Peggy pretty regularly for a while now. She’s slipping away more and more but some days, Buck, some days it’s like she’s never missed a step, sharp as a tack and bright as the sun. Yesterday was not one of those days. Yesterday was a bad day and my being there might have made it worse.

She seemed alright at first. But after a few minutes it was obvious something was wrong. She didn’t remember I fell or why she was in the hospital. She thought it was 1944. The nurses have told me to go along with it if only to keep Peg calm. So I did. We laughed about some joke Dum Dum told in camp and talked about missions. Then out of the blue she asked for you. She wanted to know why you weren’t with me. I tried to come up with something but I think she could see it in my face. That’s when things started to go downhill, quick.

It was like everything came back to her at once. All of a sudden she was furious. At me, the nursing staff, the doctors, everyone. What really threw me, though, was she kept saying they should have let Zola die. As far as I know Zola’s been dead for decades and Peggy had nothing to do with it.

I think maybe I shouldn’t go back. It might be for the best if Peg doesn’t see me anymore. It seems to put a lot of stress on her. But she’s all I have left, Buck. Even though I stir up her ghosts I don’t know if I can stay away.

I haven’t been to one of my team’s get-togethers since Thanksgiving but Rumlow hasn’t stopped asking. I just don’t know if I can handle getting close to them if I might lose any one of them at any time. Dr. Hamm thinks I should go. He says it’ll help if I spend time with people. They can help me get to know this time. We’ll see I suppose. I did start running down around the Mall every morning. It seems to clear my head up a bit, quiet down all the noise.

Dr. Hamm doesn’t know I write these letters but he does know you’re still on my mind an awful lot. He wants to start working on putting your ghost to rest. He says I need to let go of my guilt. He says it clouds my thinking and makes me take unnecessary risks. But at least now I try to only risk myself.

If I can still hear your voice in my head why aren’t you still here,

Steve


	27. Day 27 Misgivings

Bucky,

Some days I miss the War more than I can say. Well, not so much the War itself but the certainty of it. Knowing just what needed to be done and then doing it. It really shouldn’t be that hard but, these days it’s like everything is painted in shades of gray. There isn’t a sure course anymore.

The missions I’ve been getting lately are a great example of that. Just when I think I’ve got a handle on what’s going on it turns out to be something else. The other day my team and I were sent out to shut down a human trafficking ring that was kidnapping kids and selling them as soldiers. How does that even happen? Who wakes up one day and says to themselves, “I’m going to steal some kids from their homes today and sell them to a guerilla army”? I remember Hitler’s Youth but this wasn’t like that. Some of those kids were taken years ago and practically raised as soldiers. They believed in the cause they were sold to. Some of them are dead now. I couldn’t tell my team not to fire back when they were being shot at.

How did things get this bad? I’ve been doing my best to catch up on the history we missed but I still can’t figure out how people went from ousting the worst dictator in human history to selling kids to killers. And that’s just one problem on a very long list of problems SHIELD is tasked with solving. Most days it feels like no matter what I do it doesn’t make a difference. But I can’t walk away. I have to do something. Even if I could leave, where would I go? It’s not like I have a home anymore.

My home is always with you,

Steve


	28. Day 28 Equipping

Bucky,

Some things, it seems, don’t really change. SHIELD’s R&D department is trying to get me to trade in my shield for something “more practical”. My answer is the same now as it was back in ’43. I won’t. They think I’m keeping it out of some sentimentality and, yeah alright, that’s part of it but not all. My shield is an icon, a symbol. But. It’s also the only thing I’ve got left. Fury said they found it when they found me in the ice.

Whenever it comes down to it the shield is gonna get passed on to whoever replaces me as Captain America.

Dr. Hamm says thinking like that is a bit fatalistic. I told him it’s realistic. I won’t live forever but Captain America can. I told you about the teams that took our place. And the shield should be a part of that.

The Smithsonian exhibit is set to open tomorrow. They asked me to come to the opening for a small ceremony and I thought about it but I ~~just don’t want to be the dancing monkey again~~ think it best if I don’t. Miss Heath took me on a private walk through of the exhibit already. There are these murals, Buck, huge floor-to-ceiling pictures of the Commandos in battle behind the uniform display. I’m not sure who they got to do them but I wish I could shake their hand.

You got your own feature. You look like a movie star in the picture they used.

I almost hope something will come up and take me out of the country tomorrow.

Sometimes I can’t remember who I am without you,

Steve


	29. Day 29 Incentive

Bucky,

I’m gonna do it, Buck. Today’s the day I’m gonna meet him.

I mentioned a while back I’ve taken up running down on the Mall. Well, I’ve seen a guy running there, too and there’s something about him. I can’t put my finger on it yet but I know I’ve got to know him. He’s ex-military, that much is obvious. So maybe it’s just that? Some kind of common ground? I don’t know but I’m gonna find out.

It’s taken me long enough to get up the courage and I don’t want to waste it. Dr. Hamm says it’s good that I’m looking to meet new people outside work. I think he’s right about that. It feels like I’ve been stuck in my own head since I got back.

Wish me luck,

Steve


	30. Day 30 Wander

Bucky,

I know you’re out there, somewhere, so I’m going to do everything in my power to find you and help you. I made a promise and I intend to keep it.

To the end of the line,

Steve

**Author's Note:**

> you can also find me on [tumblr](www.azazel999.tumblr.com)


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